Imagine my surprise when I walked into my darkened house to discover this:
I'm not sure which assassin decided to boobie trap the floor. But it appeared all of them took part in spreading glass to every room in which they could toss and chase the fun, shiny shards. It was an unwelcome surprise to arrive home from a long day to all the mixing bowls shattered on the floor.
"Why???? Why, me?" wondered the crazy lady with SIX cats.
I can honestly say, I have not asked the same question about cancer. I have seen younger, healthier, holier, better people than me go down this path before. And I've too often wondered, "Why not me?" to even consider the opposite.
Breaking glass
That being said, it is a strange diagnosis to be sure. I somehow busted through a glass ceiling and stole the man's cancer. Old, white men to be exact. Waldenstrom's macroglobulinemia is found in mostly men, generally Caucasian, and over 65. Bizarre.
Things in my life that would indicate I'm at a very low risk:
I have never once smoked a cigarette. (Once in elementary school my friend Sammy and I rolled up publisher's clearing house stamps around dry grass from the yard and tried to make that work. It didn't. Attempt failed.)
I rarely have a drink. (Depends on who the principal is, for example- Kelli McCain: you required zero alcohol. I love you.)
female
under 65
Never used any drugs (James and I plan to when we turn 80. But, now I might have to rethink that timeline. That is a joke, people. Relax.)
I eat OK. Better than some, but not as good as my sister in law. (My organs are all in great shape for now. Slushy blood is currently threatening to change that. That part makes me sad. I'm in a lot of prayer over that part.)
have had a one and only completely monogamous marriage.
Never worked in commercial farming
Feels very safe. I like caution.
Then I had to marvel at how perfectly this fits into my life.
I avoided all that 'fun' thinking I would skip the consequences. And here we are.
In fact, as I've mentioned to some of you, I have somehow ticked off EVERY indicator box save one. Unexplained weight loss. Seriously. God's sense of humor is messed up.
Contradiction doesn't bother me
Guys. You guys are awesome. And as many of you awesome people as there are reading this, there are that many opinions about what I should do about things. Some of you hold your tongues and your minds race and others MUST LET ME KNOW or their conscience will not forgive them if I die.
Rest at ease my friends. I can hear it, read it, ponder it; and as James Frick is well aware, do whatever the heck I wanted to do anyway. That being said. Imagine all the opinions thrown into a great circle. Man. It's confusion in there!
vegan, keto, chemo, holistic, spiritual, medical, scientific, naturalistic, native remedies, asian remedies...
so many things
all so different
But as any good teacher does, I start spreading out those individual opinions into their own circles and the resulting Venn diagram starts to bring clarity out of confusion.
There are some things when shaken through the sieve always end up left in the basket. Always. This is going to be my starting place. The center of the Venn. From there I will consider the unique issues my body has going on right now and do whatever seems like the "best fit." That's the broad approach anyway.
People want updates
So do I! I wish I had some. One thing that can shock the system of a human rarely in contact with the medical world is all this paperwork and billing and claims and junk. That stuff is just greek. And as all my former bosses know, I tend to be a bit delinquent in the paperwork department anyway. So, my deductible hasn't had much officially applied toward it and reimbursements have not been filed. I'm working on it, people. I am.
For now, due to my hefty deductible and what I can only imagine stems from a fear of non payment based on experience of the local medical practitioners, my biopsy has been pushed to the end of the month. I don't even know when the next scans will happen. I need to check on that, actually.
I am taking this 'lull' with some gratitude, though.
It was a frenzy of appointments and tests to get to this point. I feel it will be a frenzy of treatments after the next results come in.
I'm using this time to pray. To read. To develop my own opinions. To generate questions.
Time is a blessing.
(I'm also supposed to be doing things like get a will done- because we all need to do that anyway. And then random things keep popping into my head, like 'We haven't taken family photos since Eli was 2 weeks old!' And all the little things I've been meaning to get done: it feels like I've got to kick it into gear and git 'er done. Maybe you guys shouldn't wait until there's a reason to start checking boxes on your lists?)
God is Good. All the time.
In the middle of all the confusion and craziness, one idea prevails over all others.
I am blessed.
I am really blessed.
Look, I know this journey that I didn't plan was designed for me. For me.
And I know cancer survivors and I know people who did not survive. Lots. On both sides. I know that I could live to be very old. I know I could die today. My deepest sadness at leaving the world would mainly be for Eliana. In the trenches of my soul I know she doesn't actually need me. The real issue is that I WANT TO BE there. She could survive losing me even though part of me likes to think she couldn't.
James would have a hard time. People would need to remind him to eat. And sleep. And mainly to be nice. But I know he would heal. Well, so long as you reminded him to do those things...
And I think he'd move on and that thought makes me jealous in the most morbid of ways!
I really try to avoid that rabbit hole of thought. Probably not healthy.
But. I think about these things sometimes.
And in the end I'm ok with it all.
I'm ok with it if I live and I'm ok with it if I don't.
God giveth and He taketh away. Blessed is His name.
what should I (we) take away from this so far?
So I really had to come to terms with the above before I could mentally and emotionally tackle the tasks ahead. My mind was freed to look at things without fear.
Fear always makes for bad decision making. I don't want to do anything fear motivated.
And all of you guys are giving me so much hope.
Hope.
It might be that magic bullet of cancer treatment they keep looking for. Who knows?
I have talked with more than one person over the last year or so about the worrisome state of our world. It's all over the place. I don't care who you are, you've got to be concerned about it as well.
But, dearest people, listen!
I asked for some prayers.
Sent it out to my small world over facebook of all things.
Didn't even have this diagnosis at the time.
You wanna know something? People who don't even have facebook answered me.
Trump haters, Trump lovers, Hillary voters, and Bernie fanatics, a couple of souls who joined me for Johnson, My Christian Family, my heathen friends (joking with you: lighten up heathens,) asians, caucasians, all shades of brown, legal immigrants, illegal immigrants, friends for ages, friends I have met because they recently drove me to the ER, men, women, children, old people, and some old people who act like children, gay people, straight people, people I haven't decided what you are...ha.
Guys. You guys responded to my request. My praying people are praying. Like for real praying. The kind of praying they did for Eliana. And Eliana's named Eliana because of them. It means God Has Answered. They are writing me the prayers they are lifting to heaven on my behalf. Others have taken time from their day to give love and encouragement. And that is not lost on me. Time is gold and love in short supply.
You have given me treasure.
And guys, I can feel it.
I feel the prayers and the love and God gives me peace.
Clarity comes like a beam of sunlight over the darkened ridge.
The path before me is lighting up one step at a time.
And each day I know where to go from the last.
The plan is simple.
Prepare to die. Plan to live. And know that God has this all worked out no matter what.
Kind of what we should do anyway.